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Hi All! I'm Kelly and I'm going into my Sophomore year of college at… - Those Writer Girls

About Hi All! I'm Kelly and I'm going into my Sophomore year of college at…

Previous Entry Aug. 10th, 2009 @ 08:53 pm Next Entry
Hi All!

I'm Kelly and I'm going into my Sophomore year of college at PSU. I'm a Sec. Ed. English/Communications major, so basically, I'll be a high school English teacher. I hope to bypass the "Romeo and Juliet" years (even though that play will always be close to my heart) and move right along to "Othello", "Macbeth", and "Much Ado About Nothing". I won't state the obvious, the reason why I'm here, but I'm kind of new to all of this. I have all these big ideas, but I never have the time or the gumption to get anything done. I tend to write an intro, and then a few chapters, then abandon chase and give up. I don't have a lot of encouragement in my life, so I was hoping I could find that by joining a few communities. Don't be afraid to critique my work by any means. I won't sit in a corner and cry, promise! I need the critisism, the constructive critisism, because I need support. I also have a small (okay...LARGE) problem with being a perfectionist, and I feel that sometimes I give up because it's not what I intended it to be. Most of the time, this happens because I can never seem to find the right words. This is another reason why constructional critism will be a fantastic thing! I write fiction, usually in the third person-omniscient.

Here's a blurb of something I started in December over my winter break and never really got around to expanding on. Frankly, I haven't even decided where this little blurb is going to go. I wanted to try something new when I began writing this. I normally go for a dark, mysterious plot with very few characters. I tend to write along the lines of the book "The Lovely Bones". I was going for something a little more...sophisticated, maybe? My setting is 1950s New York. My characters work for a modeling/cosmetics company that is still unnamed. I still have a dark plot, but I'm not exactly sure where I want it to go and I know that's my number one biggest problem. Now, this is just a small blurb, about half a handwritten page. As I read the rest of my intro, I found that my writing style changed and I feel like I started the typical 'high school drama', so I'll spare you all and not post it. Thanks and please comment!!!

He had been staring at her from across the crowded room like a tiger patiently stalking his prey since the moment she had sashayed through the door in her sexy, little red dress. At the moment, his eyes were concentrated on her bare back as she chatted with a friend near the bar. No one knew what his deal was; Kylee didn't even know his name. She remembered seeing him the elevator at work, but he had never said a word.

Maybe he's the new designer the company hired, she thought as she oh-so-casually glanced over her shoulder to check if he was still staring unnervingly at her. When their eyes met for the first time, the mysterious man smirked and winked. Kylee gasped, her hand flying to her chest in shock as she turned hastily to her bleached-blond, big-boobed, best friend, Candy. "W-why is he staring at me? What's his deficiency?" she asked in a hushed, rushed voice, her palms beginning to sweat as chills crept down her spine.

"I don't know, Ky," Candy replied after snapping her pink bubble gum. "He showed up in Giselle's department last week. She told me he doesn't talk much...not that she minds," she added as she let out a small, high pitched giggle, much like a school girl flirting with the school's star quarterback. "Giselle just likes to look at him." Candy then snuck a quick look over her shoulder and blew the man a kiss. "He is quite gorgeous, isn't he?" she said, her voice growing delicate, her hand flying to her forehead as if she might swoon.

Current Location: my bedroom
Current Mood: busybusy
Current Music: Colbie Calliat
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From:gravityslave
Date:August 11th, 2009 03:55 am (UTC)
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Hello! I'm new to writer_girls too. Just joined today.

My suggestions are just that and nothing more, and I certainly don't claim to be an expert, but here goes:

I like the tone, and am curious to see where this story goes.

Some of the sentences seem a bit passive; for example, I'd probably change "He had been staring at her from across the crowded room like a tiger patiently stalking his prey since the moment she had sashayed through the door in her sexy, little red dress." to "Since the moment she had sashayed through the door in her sexy, little red dress, he had been staring at her from across the crowded room like a tiger patiently stalking his prey." and "as she turned hastily to her bleached-blond, big-boobed, best friend, Candy." to "as she turned hastily to Candy, her bleached-blond, big-boobed best friend."

Aside from that, I have no input, but would like to read the rest!
Welcome to the comm. :)
From:bookgirl_allure
Date:August 11th, 2009 02:52 pm (UTC)
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Thanks for the suggestions! I really appreciate it. Just for further reference, how can I tell if a sentence that I write is "too passive"? Anyway, I'm glad you pointed that out to me and showed me how to fix it! :)
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From:gravityslave
Date:August 11th, 2009 03:06 pm (UTC)
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Hey, no worries. :) You just try to write the active part of the sentence before the passive part, placing the emphasis on the action so the sentence doesn't seem so long.
I'm not up on my terms (because high schools in Canada no longer bother to teach grammar and universities assume we already know it) but hopefully that makes sense. Maybe someone else in the comm knows how to better express what I mean? Calling all comm members!
From:bookgirl_allure
Date:August 11th, 2009 04:54 pm (UTC)
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Actually, I completely understand what you meant. Sometimes explaining is better than termination and I so get about high school and grammar. That's happening more and more in the states as well. What's sad for me though, is the fact that I'm technically an English major. =^^=

Thanks again!
From:ricardeq
Date:August 23rd, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
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I like the line "What's his deficiency?" Seems his deficiency is sexy, red-clad women.

A little cliche, but I would keep reading it to see what action brews up :)

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